Being Alone: How We’re Meant To Live

Being Alone: How We’re Meant To Live

Now that I’m in my thirties (barely) I’m starting to feel the stigmas that society has about being alone.  I’m not feeling them towards myself, but rather I’m noticing that people around me are assuming I am troubled because I am single and live alone.  I also have many friends who stress about being alone and not finding anyone to “settle down” with.

This mindset that humans have towards “being alone” is just blasphemy in my opinion.  Now I’m not the most traditional person but I’ve never had a problem with spending time alone, in fact I greatly value my alone time and think that everybody should.  There is no reason to live in this mindset of fearing being alone, what is it that is so fearful of being single?

The number one reason I hear for people fearing to be alone, is that they don’t want to die alone.  The fact of the matter is this, everyone dies and I imagine at the moment of death we are all alone.  Spending your life worrying about how you are going to die is no way to live.  I am really curious as to where this thinking has derived.

I am going to outline below why no one should fear being alone and ways you can change your thinking if you’ve become a victim to this deceiving mindset.

 

Tips For How To Be Alone

 

The number one way in which people feel alone is due to a lack of a significant other.  Relationships are a part of life and it’s healthy and enjoyable to have many different relationships in your life.  Friendships, mentors, colleagues, peers, sports teams etc. are all examples of relationships that we have with other humans.

However humans tend to value one type of relationship miles above any others, the “monogamous” relationship with a spouse or partner. Why is this?

It’s always seemed a bit odd to me that humans pair up with another person and live their lives together. When did this become the traditional way of living?  Did cave men pair up with cave women and share the same fears of living in a cave alone?  I think not.

The notion of pairing up with another person for eternity just doesn’t seem natural.  It is not something that occurs in nature, rather it is something that we as humans invented.

Marriage is a creation of humanity, a way of keeping us organized into family units and accountable for our family name.  And according to statistics it isn’t working.

With nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it’s proof alone that this desirable relationship that paints a picture of security and happiness, just isn’t natural and it doesn’t work.  So why do so many people fear being alone, driving them to seek a false reality that is the institution of marriage.

What’s even weirder to me is that most people do not question this tradition set forth who knows how long ago.  Many people are utterly content with living life traditionally.  Growing up, going to school, getting married, starting a family, growing old and then dying (alone or not).  While this can outline can provide a fulfilling and secure life, I’d rather not know how my life is going to shape out, in other words, I want to know that I lived for myself.

Now my intention of this article is not to bash marriage and convince you it’s a bad idea, there are many people living out successful happy marriages right now, I just want you to realize that one, the concept of marriage isn’t natural, and two, you should embrace being alone, because in the end ourselves are all we really have.

Tip #1 For Being Alone; Embrace The Present Moment

When you are alone and you are feeling anxiety because of it, you are not embracing the now.  If you’re in a state of worry, anxiety or fear about your future then how could you be aware of what you have in the present?

Being alone is a great time to practice being present in this moment.  When you do this it creates a calming sense of being, of gratitude for what you have and peace from your overactive mind that is causing you to worry and fear for no reason.

Anxiety is almost always derived from fear and the mind (ego) loves to focus on that emotion, thus it loves to focus on the past and future, two things that don’t really exists.  You need to realize that the only thing you truly have in this world, the only thing that has any weight of significance is this moment right now.

Next time you are feeling alone and anxious, ask yourself, “what problem do I have right now?”  Do you have a roof over your head, food, electricity, health, friends?  When you ask yourself this question, you’ll often find the answer is nothing.

It’s a good way to put you in a state of presence and invokes gratitude for the life you already have.  Try this and you’ll feel your anxiety lift as your energy shifts within you.

Tip #2 Have A Creative Outlet

The moment we stop living for ourselves is often the moment that our potential to reach our true selves is inhibited.  We become stagnant in our growth, curiosity, freedom and desire to achieve more.  When this happens we are merely living life “going through the motions” and incidentally marriage and having kids are two events that shift our lives from living for ourselves.

It’s important to always have some sort of creative outlet that not only gives you freedom from boredom but encourages learning, desire and a sense of achievement and pride.  This blog is an example of a creative outlet for me.  Everyday I learn something new about web design and how to reach more people on the internet.

Creating a new blog post and gaining more visitors to this site, gives me a sense of achievement and more desire to produce more content and learn more about how web design works.

There are many married people with families that would kill to have more time to themselves, more time to do the things they used to love, and more time to enjoy their hobbies and be their true selves.  If you’re being bored to death by your time alone I suggest you take up a new hobby that is both productive and enjoyable.

Learning a new skill such as a language or instrument is a great way to kill boredom and unsettling feelings of being alone.  Work on yourself in becoming a better person, you can’t rely on someone as your source of happiness, it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to them either.

Do what really makes you happy, you can do whatever you want, find what that is and you’ll never be bored again, in fact you’ll be wishing you had more time alone to accomplish your goals.  I know I do.

Tip #3 What Are You Really Scared Of?

A major reason that people fear being alone is because they are taught to feel that way.  I suppose this is even more so for women, as society has placed a stigma upon people who reach a certain age and are not yet married.  Essentially you are looked at as if there must be something wrong with you if you’re “alone”.  But what does it really mean to be alone, and why is that something you or anyone should ever fear?

It takes a stronger person to embrace their solitude.  Almost everyone takes the easy way out in life, giving into what society deems as acceptable so that they fit in and achieve a false sense of accomplishment or belonging. The truth is that many people will settle for someone, for a lifestyle, simply because of the pressures of society.  That same person will look at you the “alone person” and pass judgment that you aren’t successful.

Do you see the irony?  Just look at the term used to describe when someone decides to get married, “settle down”.  It has such a negative connotation to it, the word settle is synonymous with “giving up” or  conceding to our true life’s purpose.  When you enter this state of life, marriage, you are no longer living for yourself.  Your decisions are compromised daily, time to yourself is infrequent, you forget that you used to live a life without this other person.  In essence you forget how to be alone, and fear ever having to relearn how.

When you realize that by being alone you are actually making the tougher decision, being the stronger person for not settling, you can begin to appreciate your free time more, as you bring a sense of pride to your relationship status.  So you see there really is nothing to fear, the reasons in which you fear being alone are merely the false collective thoughts of a settling society, and you’re better than that.

I’m not saying that I’ll never get married, I’ve had some beautiful relationships, but if I do, it certainly won’t be a fear based decision, no settling here, I’m happy with the life I’ve created for myself.

 

The Benefits Of Being Alone

This is your life, and as far as we know we only get one shot at it. When you’re dead it won’t matter how long you were married, how big your family was, what your income was or what car you drove, in fact nothing will matter, so live your life the way you want to live.  Don’t let society decipher what path you should take.  If you want to be single for life and travel the world and always learn about new cultures and lifestyles, then do it, and be proud of your decision.

If you want to get married and have a big family and teach your kids how to be good people, then that’s fine too, but do it because that is what you desire to do, not because it is what you are supposed to do.  When you embrace being alone you realize that your opportunities are endless, you have no compromises to make, your decisions are yours to make and you are living solely for yourself.

I’m not suggesting you exclude yourself from society and become a hermit, relationships with humans are very beneficial and healthy, but I do believe that we were meant to live our own lives, reaching our true potentials, living for ourselves and no one else.  You should never feel shame or embarrassment for living for yourself, anyone who passes that judgment on you is blinded by their own ignorance and generally is someone not strong enough to make it on their own.

When you remember that families and marriage is something that humans created and doesn’t occur in nature, it helps put the false pressures of society at ease.  If you feel alone and are yearning for a companion try the tips outlined above to help embrace the present moment and be grateful for the opportunities you have.  Make new friends who share the same interests, ask yourself how you can become a better you and I promise you’ll never feel alone again.  Remember you’re never really alone on this planet, you always have yourself, and that’s all anyone really has whether they realize it or not.

If you’ve read this far I’d like to thank you for your time in coming to my site.  I hope you’ve gained some insight from this article and found it informative and beneficial.  I’d be greatly appreciative if you’d share this article via the social buttons below.  As always your comments below are encouraged.

3 Responses to “Being Alone: How We’re Meant To Live”

  1. Robin says:

    I get where you are coming from but I have never liked the idea of being alone because I like to talk to people I like to watch TV and movies with people I don’t like doing this stuff by myself. I could probably get used to being alone if I wanted to but that is for other people obviously. Thank you for your in-put into this subject though.

    • Benjamin says:

      Thanks for the comment Robin. I too like spending time with other people and think it’s healthy, I was mainly referring to loneliness due to the lack of a monogamous relationship, in the article. However some people are much more comfortable being alone in general than others.

      -Ben

  2. Paul says:

    I think theres too much pressure for it being either one way or another, yes there are different paths but it seems burned into peoples heads that once you make your decision thats it. Also society is ageist and that clock is used to further speed up your fear, I do not fully understand the reason for the fear and why your true self and freedoms apparently must be destroyed if you choice not to be single but I think it may have something to do with keeping society going, keeping the ecomony going etc.
    If you cannot enjoy your life and must consider everything as a “family” I do not see the purpose of having children in the first place if that is what they are to do and not follow their own aspirations in life with freedom without constant repeating of sub concious notions by the general population. But I suppose that would be the purpose of such an idea too, I mean for an idea to be self-reproducing, same with so many other things in this life that just make us slaves.

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